I can do some overthinking – often not warranted – but I stand by the point that sometimes thinking is very warranted and it’s not necessarily overthinking!

A few weeks ago, someone* said that dealing with me was exhausting. I was quite taken aback and questioned if that was the right wording. They doubled down and said, “that’s how I feel, quite frankly, it’s exhausting” – with the “it” being “dealing with me”. This was said (or justified) because I had questioned other wording they had used, suggesting it was not fair to use them towards me (resentful and combative) and they had said I was overthinking the words. And apparently, this is what I do – I overthink what they say and having to deal with that and me was exhausting.

*For more information there, a colleague (in a more senior role than me) and someone I had thought was a friend (who knows my situation – i.e., cancer diagnosis).

I won’t deny that I have a tendency to overthink at times but I’m going to make the bold statement that sometimes THINKING is warranted and it’s not always OVER. However, I think if someone calls you resentful or combative – you should fucking think about that. They are big words and neither of them particularly nice. Likewise, being told that you are exhausting to deal with warrants some thought. Annoyingly, I cannot go back and question the use of that word though – as much as I would like to – as it feeds into their point that I overthink.

The logical part of my brain (and amazing friends who know me and my psychologist) can quite easily acknowledge that this says much much more about the person that said them than it does about me. Without going into all the details of the person and the situation, if you cannot handle some questions or differing opinions – neither of which were combatively shared – maybe some self-reflection (or dare I say, just the bare minimal of thinking) is required, rather than projecting your issues onto someone else. And to be fair to the person, I did think about whether my behaviour was resentful or combative. For lack of a better word, I am exhausted. I have not been feeling great and just don’t have the same level of patience that I normally have. I also don’t have the ability to always put a smile on my face and laugh right now. I was genuinely worried that this was coming across as resentful or combative. I spoke to a colleague part of one of the conversations where I was apparently presenting as resentful and/or combative. I was told that what was being asked was confusing and what they saw was me trying to understand the task – not in any way that could be construed as resentful or combative.

With all of that, the not-so-logical part of my brain – the part that is self-reflective but also exhausted – took over. Earlier I wrote a post about feeling like a burden on my friends, this feeling is real (logical or not). As I said earlier, I’m not feeling great. I haven’t been for a few months. And I’m tired of myself – so logically, it could follow that other people also find me exhausting. So when I got home from work after essentially being told I was exhausting, I completely broke. I cried for a good hour because, well, maybe they were right.

I spoke to a few friends who reassured me that I was none of the above. I raged a little and really wanted to share with this person what was actually exhausting – living with metastatic breast cancer, single parenting, covering two-three jobs for a few months, the joint pain that wakes me up in the night – the list goes on. And then, I realised I needed to move on. And tried to let it go.

But a few weeks later, I’m not over it. I vacillate between being annoyed at the person and worrying that I’m not managing right now and it’s showing. I mean – I am not managing right now and I think it’s showing physically – but showing in the sense that I’m being difficult in the work place. This morning with my psychologist, I was taken through a series of questions that clearly highlighted that the vast majority of my work-place relationships are good. She then tactfully suggested that I look at that evidence and not focus on the one difficult work-place relationship as evidence that I’m not “managing”.

She’s right. And, I think it is okay for me to think or worry that I’m not managing everything as well as I should be – as long as I make it about that and not about some stupid words from someone, who, quite frankly, doesn’t deserve a second of my time or thoughts. So with this, going to do my best to let this go.

What I will focus on is what’s going on with me – that made me react that way to those words. Reflect a bit on all those things that are exhausting (myself not included) and try and find some better ways to manage it all. Even if this is as simple as saying to those around me – right now, I’m exhausted and I need some support or patience from you (simple as that sounds, I do find that hard, as it means admitting that I need help [argh, so many things to work on]). Or being a bit kinder to myself and reminding myself that most people don’t seem to have a problem with me right now – so maybe, just maybe – I’m doing okay. And with all that is going on, okay is good enough bar to meet.