*some of those nerves, I think (hope) are excited anticipation but a lot of those nerves are bolts of terror.
Sadly, writing this piece (blog?) has been around four months in the making. This may account for a bit of disjointedness – though, I cannot use that excuse for other pieces. Positively, I’m finally finished today and while I’m really not sure if it’s worthy of a post, I also think that I need to post it. It was hard to write and I really struggled to put to words the different feelings/thoughts. I assume that many people suffer from issues with self-esteem and while I definitely do not have any answers on how to really improve this, I guess I thought it was important to share that I do too. Something about honesty, transparency blah blah 🙂
Where it [the bucket list] all began
In the lead up to my Cancerversary I sat to try and make some sense out of the mass of different feelings I was feeling. Not one hundred per cent sure I managed to make sense out of them (you can be the judge: read here) but it did make me feel better and the last couple of days leading up to the Cancerversary were somewhat easier than the few weeks before then. I also – despite hating the word and not sure I really believe it – decided to manifest a better year ahead – a fourth year of living with cancer with a bit of fun and excitement. Because I know myself, I love ticking something off a to-do list (who doesn’t?), I decided to create a bucket list to help with this “having a bit more fun”.
The creating of the bucket list with an awesome group of friends (the now determined bucket list committee*) was a whole lot of fun. There was a lot of laughter – some of it intentional, some of it unintentional**, some of it just due to the pure chaos of the moment. The parameters for the bucket list were gloriously clear and vague at the same time: things that I would not normally do at this current moment in my life (or ever to be honest) that are fun and would help me get out of my head a little bit, have some fun, be spontaneous (noting the irony here since I have written them down and given myself a year to do them). They had to be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound) – I’m not sure we hit the mark on all of these but we did our best. Finally, we agreed that if I went over and beyond some of the actions – I was entitled to bonus points (what this means in the long run… to be determine… likely just more fun but I’m also hoping for some kind of trophy – subtle hint here to any of the bucket list committee that may read this).
*Name will be subject to change, hoping at least one of the members can come up with something better.
**Top highlight would be hore riding (instead of horse riding) and Jo L being recorded by my friend when I said I wanted to go to a Dua Lipa concert with the kids.
What we ended with was two to three pages of things, which I have now classified into four lists: 1. the Living with Cancer Year 4 (LWC04) list for now (i.e., this year); 2. the LWCO04 list of things to do with the kids; 3. the LWC0? – year undetermined – as they are bigger items that are more reliant on financial, timing, opportunity; and 4. the LWC04 list of things that aren’t so fun but are probably very very necessary for me to do (i.e., speak more often to the therapist).
Should we start using “terror” (rather than nerves)?
As I was classifying the lists – with some sobriety and a few days of time to process – I definitely feel nerves. Yes, some nerves of good anticipation but bolts of terror are also there. The list has been created to get me out of my comfort zone – out of my head – so some fear is expected but some of them are so simple – on paper – easy actions, it’s a glaring statement as to where my head currently is that they might bring me so much terror. And this is why likely the smarter people around me a few days ago (aka the committee) snuck in items/actions that were less fun but very much linked to reframing how I saw myself.
A small disclaimer here: I’m not sure how much “where my head currently is” is a result of the cancer diagnosis. I have long had issues with how I see myself. I think there was a very – very – short period around a week before I got diagnosed (likely linked to disentangling from my marriage and some good therapy) to about six months after my diagnosis (extended benefit from the therapy, the realisation that life was short and my own theory that surgically-induced menopause and a plummeting of hormones allowed me to care less what people thought of me) that I had the freedom to do what I want, without [too much] fear of what others thought. Whether I actually changed how I saw myself – I’m not entirely sure – but I do think I had some self-confidence during this period that I’ve always struggled with previously. I then think muscle memory – 40+ years of thinking a certain way – did its magic, and then throw in the cancer, and slowly slowly I’m here.
What’s on the bucket list, you ask! It’s the “now” list – the fun list – that is causing me some nerves. A few relevant ones that will give you an insight to where we are going (I acknowledge at some point I have to get us there): Walk up to a man at a bar (with intent) [yes, something that I don’t think I have really done before]; Go on 5 dates (okay, something I have done before but can pretty much count them on one hand – with the majority being in the aforementioned six months and 1 week and definitely not something I have even been remotely prepared to do recently); Sit at at 3 bars by myself for at least two hours (also not something I have done unless forced because I was waiting for someone); take a dance class; say yes to four invitations from new people (I’m not one, in the past, that has necessarily shied away from meeting new people but have been struggling a bit lately); and talk to a stranger about the shit going on in my life (literally written as “dump my shit on a stranger”).
The fear of rejection
See – nothing so crazy but in my mind feel huge. Doing each one of these things requires me to put myself out there to be judged or, worse, rejected. For transparency here, I have been attempting to write this piece for around four months. It was only now (hopefully on the last attempt) that I realised my assumption is/was that the outcome of putting myself out there would be judgement and/or rejection. I missed the part where it could be something positive – maybe meeting someone new, making a new friend, having fun etc. I guess that is a pretty good indication of where my head is – my self-confidence is at an all time low – and that bar was very damn low at times in the past.
I think there are two parts to this. To start, I’m not feeling great in my body at the moment. While I sit firmly in the camp that who I am as a person is way more important (and we’ll come back to this), a number of the items of the bucket list ask me to put myself in situations where my looks are being judged. And yes, who I am as a person is still more important but going on dates, sitting a bars, we cannot deny that appearances are a thing – entirely important for some, less so for others. I really struggle right now to think that anyone would find me attractive – pretty is not a word used to describe me (unless you are my lovely children, who clearly have some rose-coloured tints on their glasses), I’m overweight, am definitely not a wiz with the make-up brush and I’m pretty sure I have about zero sense of style. So physically – not so much winning – so really need to rely on some “good personality”.
Attractiveness for me is often way more about someone’s personality. Oh, I one hundred percent can acknowledge and appreciate physical beauty – but so often what I am attracted to is defined by who the person is. A sense of intelligence, being aware of and caring about others around them, a good sense of humour, a willingness to be silly etc., are so much more important to me. This brings me to the second part and really the crux of everything, I’m also not feeling great about who I am as a person and just don’t think I have much to offer right now to someone. Feeling that I don’t have much to offer doesn’t just affect meeting new people but likely also existing friendships – quite possibly linking back some of my feelings about being a burden (though I don’t remember if when I wrote about that I acknowledged “not having much to offer” as part of it).
I do think that spending time with current friends helps quieten some of negative thoughts about who I am. Apart from people not being able to not be my friend anymore because, you know, I have cancer – and who’s going to bail on someone with cancer (actually – some people do but I think that’s more about their own fears of the cancer or how to ‘treat’ the person with cancer as opposed to the person who has the cancer) – I do think the majority genuinely want to continue being my friend (cancer or not). And I have some really awesome friends – who are just truly excellent people – so I must be okay for them to still want to hang out. But when I’m on my own or thinking about going to meet people (new or old) or thinking about this damn bucket list – it’s the negative thoughts that win out and ending with a definitive lack of action on ANY of the bucket list items (and yes, when I first start writing this it was some days after the bucket list creation – it’s now been 4 months and there is a massive definitive lack of action).
I do think there is something right about not feeling I have much to offer. The medication definitely takes it’s toll on my energy levels and I know the surgically-induced menopause has affected my mental sharpness (debatable on how sharp it ever was). I just don’t always have the ability to be as “on” as I used to be – whether it’s coming up with a quick retort to something or just not being a grump because I’m tired.*
*Though I have been told in the past that me grumpy is sometimes funnier than me on a good day.
What to do?
So what to do? I think – as I might have mentioned earlier already – part of the idea of the bucket list was to push me out of my comfort zone and out of my head. So apart from reaching out to my therapist for a session (yes, I literally emailed her a few paragraphs ago), I do think I just need to suck it up and do something from the bucket list. What’s the worst that can happen? I could be judged and rejected – and while that is bound to happen because no one is everyone’s cup of tea – it probably says more about the person doing the rejecting than it does about me. Logical me knows this. Logical me also knows that I’m going to struggle to really get out of my head sitting here worrying about being in my head – for change, I actually need to do something.
I should also likely practice what I preach with my kids. My daughter has been struggling with some self-esteem issues lately and one thing I told her was to write down each night how wonderful she was, to identify all the great things about herself. Quite possibly scarier than the bucket list for me but I should probably do the same.
I’m not sure I have achieved much here. Though, forever the optimist, I’m going with hope that finally writing that I’m not feeling great about myself right now is the first step in trying to change that, alongside seeing my therapist soon. Also, I’m going to identify one bucket list item to do in the next few weeks (I’m going to sit a bar on my own). And, the hardest, I’m going to finally end this piece with one good thing about myself.
I am resilient. (I really wanted to go with being funnier when grumpy but not sure that was really in the spirit of the point.)
Leave a Reply